“There is within us a fundamental dis-ease, an unquenchable fire that renders us incapable, in this life, of ever coming to full peace. This desire lies at the center of our lives, in the marrow of our bones, and in the deep recesses of the soul. At the heart of all great literature, poetry, art, philosophy, psychology, and religion lies the naming and analyzing of this desire. Spirituality is, ultimately, about what we do with that desire. What we do with our longings, both in terms of handling the pain and the hope they bring us, that is our spirituality . . . Augustine says: ‘You have made us for yourself, Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.’ Spirituality is about what we do with our unrest.”
It's funny how God speaks... and does not.. It's been so long since I had heard His voice. Somewhere deep inside the bitterness I felt towards His silence I learned to love Jesus in His humanity, more.. As if they are separate--which they are not..But they were for a moment. And now, a small piece, I understand. And so I suppose, the purpose of the silence has been served and so He speaks again..
I haven't written in so long. I've had no words.
But yesterday, I found myself reading St. Augustine's Confessions. I'm not even sure how I ended up there. But these words pierced my heart..
"For you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you"- St. Augustine.
They brought with them perspective..PERSPECTIVE.. It is everything..
My heart has been RESTLESS. And after months of hearing silence, the floodgates open and He comes to me, washing over me. And rushing so overwhelming that words still can't convey..
But more PERSPECTIVE for myself-- Answers to questions from a former student during our time in youth ministry.. She doesn't need my answers except as required for a paper for a class.. I know only some of her experiences. Only a small piece of her PERSPECTIVE.. One I wish I had at her age yet am grateful that I did not.. Because experience forms PERSPECTIVE and usually experience that does, is far from painless.. But I needed the answers and so here they are.. A small piece of the journey of my restless heart..
1. How would you define "spirituality" or the "spiritual life"?
A journey with a human instinct to make detours and a powerful and unexplainable force that steers me back to the path (sometimes gently with a soft saddle and a slow trott and sometimes bareback while I hang on for dear life!). And I have no idea why I'm riding a metaphorical horse because I haven't been on a horse since I was bucked off of one when I was 12. But I'm sure there's some spiritual significance there somewhere.
2. What are some practices or things you do that play a formational role in your spiritual life? When I'm on the path, pray, music, read and cry.. I think that when you can't cry on the outside you bleed on the inside.. When I've taken a detour, often, I find myself covering my ears and saying, "la la la la la"...
3. What difference does it make for you to worship/fast/pray/praise communally/corporately vs. individually? Which do you prefer?
This depends... If it's with people that I know believe in the power of it, it is the most meaningful thing I can experience. If it's with people that are just checking it off a list it can be the most frustrating experience. In real life application, the most meaningful experiences I've had with this have been in communion with Adam. I do often long for a community to do these things with in faith.. So I guess I would say I prefer it. And I probably need to focus more on making it happen.
4. Of the quote-unquote "disciplines", which is the most difficult for you? Do you see this as reason to push into this practice more or less? Well currently, because of my stage in life where I have small children that I have to feed, I find fasting difficult.. However, this has come up in conversation for Adam and me a lot lately with a realization that we've never fasted for the life at the current church we're working with and I think that we will probably be doing that very soon. So, I guess I would say at this current time, I feel a push to do it more.
5. When/how do you feel most connected with God? Prayer, praise, silence, service, something else? When I see the church being what I see described in the Bible. That's when I feel like I see Heaven breaking through.
6. When speaking with someone about growing in their relationship with Christ, how would you advise them to move forward?
By committing to pray. Even if it's just to the discipline at first. I don't know if it's the age old question of whether prayer changes God or changes perspective. I think in my heart of hearts I believe it's both. But actually, a change in perspective for myself is usually the most important because God does just fine when I get myself out of the way.
7. What do you perceive as the goal of these "practices"?
As somewhat already addressed above.. Discipline and perspective change.
8. Anything else you'd like to say on the topic?
I will say that up until recently, I think I had taken a major detour and fallen in a hole. There's a longer story behind this but it mostly involves the loss of quite a few people that I hold dear to my heart and disillusionment with the church (not specifically the congregation that we're in but the church globally ) and it was a commitment to the discipline of praying with Adam no matter what that got me back to "the journey".
You should also keep in mind that my role in life is probably alike to maybe one percent of the population if that. I find the life of being a preacher's wife often lonely. I am a friend that people go to when they need something. (Edit: I should add that to some degree I defined this role. Or perhaps, I let the role define me). I long to giggle like a school girl with friends that see me as just me. I think everyone experiences loneliness to some degree because of a feeling that no one truly understands us. I believe that loneliness can be an opportunity for growth or a force of destruction. I am trying to understand my loneliness and use it as a force to help me understand the sufferings of Jesus and bring me closer to God, the only one that can completely know and understand me..
This may very well become a blog post.. Since it may put some meaning behind why I haven't written one in so long..
Blessings, I love you!
Dana
A journey with a human instinct to make detours and a powerful and unexplainable force that steers me back to the path (sometimes gently with a soft saddle and a slow trott and sometimes bareback while I hang on for dear life!). And I have no idea why I'm riding a metaphorical horse because I haven't been on a horse since I was bucked off of one when I was 12. But I'm sure there's some spiritual significance there somewhere.
2. What are some practices or things you do that play a formational role in your spiritual life? When I'm on the path, pray, music, read and cry.. I think that when you can't cry on the outside you bleed on the inside.. When I've taken a detour, often, I find myself covering my ears and saying, "la la la la la"...
3. What difference does it make for you to worship/fast/pray/praise communally/corporately vs. individually? Which do you prefer?
This depends... If it's with people that I know believe in the power of it, it is the most meaningful thing I can experience. If it's with people that are just checking it off a list it can be the most frustrating experience. In real life application, the most meaningful experiences I've had with this have been in communion with Adam. I do often long for a community to do these things with in faith.. So I guess I would say I prefer it. And I probably need to focus more on making it happen.
4. Of the quote-unquote "disciplines", which is the most difficult for you? Do you see this as reason to push into this practice more or less? Well currently, because of my stage in life where I have small children that I have to feed, I find fasting difficult.. However, this has come up in conversation for Adam and me a lot lately with a realization that we've never fasted for the life at the current church we're working with and I think that we will probably be doing that very soon. So, I guess I would say at this current time, I feel a push to do it more.
5. When/how do you feel most connected with God? Prayer, praise, silence, service, something else? When I see the church being what I see described in the Bible. That's when I feel like I see Heaven breaking through.
6. When speaking with someone about growing in their relationship with Christ, how would you advise them to move forward?
By committing to pray. Even if it's just to the discipline at first. I don't know if it's the age old question of whether prayer changes God or changes perspective. I think in my heart of hearts I believe it's both. But actually, a change in perspective for myself is usually the most important because God does just fine when I get myself out of the way.
7. What do you perceive as the goal of these "practices"?
As somewhat already addressed above.. Discipline and perspective change.
8. Anything else you'd like to say on the topic?
I will say that up until recently, I think I had taken a major detour and fallen in a hole. There's a longer story behind this but it mostly involves the loss of quite a few people that I hold dear to my heart and disillusionment with the church (not specifically the congregation that we're in but the church globally ) and it was a commitment to the discipline of praying with Adam no matter what that got me back to "the journey".
You should also keep in mind that my role in life is probably alike to maybe one percent of the population if that. I find the life of being a preacher's wife often lonely. I am a friend that people go to when they need something. (Edit: I should add that to some degree I defined this role. Or perhaps, I let the role define me). I long to giggle like a school girl with friends that see me as just me. I think everyone experiences loneliness to some degree because of a feeling that no one truly understands us. I believe that loneliness can be an opportunity for growth or a force of destruction. I am trying to understand my loneliness and use it as a force to help me understand the sufferings of Jesus and bring me closer to God, the only one that can completely know and understand me..
This may very well become a blog post.. Since it may put some meaning behind why I haven't written one in so long..
Blessings, I love you!
Dana
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3 comments:
:) You'll never be a preacher's wife to me.
Love you! & your heart.
This is an amazing post...I understand the loneliness you feel....my husband preached for several years and I too felt the loneliness u are talking about....for whatever reason we were called out of the ministry and have taken a different path....I also am that friend that people go to when they need something bci am a social worker...but what we must always remember is that God is working this out in His big plan....I so wish I could have gotten to know you while we were in college but the decisions I made kept me away from church...but thank God I am forgiven....love you and hope u and Adam have many years in the ministry...
Excellent thoughts. I can relate to the part of putting your fingers in your ears and singing la-la-la-la-la when you are "off the path" For me that also usually involves sticking my nose into the internet for days on end for no reason at all - just trying to distract myself from where I know I should be.
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